November 10, 2009

Guilt...

Lately my posts have been very upbeat and happy...and well...why shouldn't they? I am very blessed in my life right now with a caring and hard-working husband who loves me, a precious and beautiful baby boy and another miracle on the way...but lately I haven't been feeling as thankful as I should and I haven't been able to shake a certain feeling that has been creeping up on me quite often these past several weeks. I guess every now and then I feel I need to blog about the bad along with the good, and this is the bad, this has been my struggle for the past several weeks...

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is coming soon, I should be counting all my blessings, but instead I've been wallowing in a horrible feeling, a consuming feeling...the feeling of guilt.

To put it out there straight, I often feel guilty to be pregnant again.

I feel guilty because I got pregnant again so easily and I've made it almost 16 weeks with no complications while so many couples I know have struggled with infertility and heartbreak.
I feel guilty because we are close to completing our family while many of our friends have yet to even begin.
I feel guilty when I talk about myself and my pregnancy instead of focusing on Austin.
I feel guilty when I don't talk about my pregnancy or even forget to tell people we're expecting again.
I feel guilty that I sometimes wonder if there's anyway I can love another baby as much as I love Austin.
I feel guilty because Austin is still a baby who deserves and will need my constant attention.
I feel guilty because with a new infant in the house he may not get all that attention he needs and deserves.
I also feel guilty that with so much attention being demanded by my 18 month old, that my newborn will in turn not get the attention he/she deserves.
I feel guilty that I may not be able to split myself between our 2 children evenly and someone will feel left out.
I feel guilty that our family will not be able to get up and go like we are used to and like we do now.
I feel guilty that due to my severe decrease in sleep come May, I may not be the best mother I know I can be.
I feel guilty that our 2nd baby might not get as much attention as Austin did growing up as an only child.
I feel guilty that I might have spoiled my first child (since he was an only child) and he will not be ready to share the spotlight once the new baby arrives.
I feel guilty that my husband might not always have a home-cooked meal or clean house to come home to because 2 children will require so much of my time.
I feel guilty because I don't know if we're ready, but ready or not, baby is coming!
I feel guilty just admitting that I feel guilty!

Yes, these are exact thoughts that run through my mind several times each day. Even though I know that this is what we want and what we believe is right for our family, I can't help but feel this wave of guilt every now and then and go through these thoughts in my head and wonder if it's just me or if other mothers have felt the same way before.

So far, being pregnant for the 2nd time feels entirely different than the first time around. I was so focused on being pregnant last time and this time I am so focused on taking care of a 12 month old that I sometimes forget to focus on me and this new little one. I also think that having a child makes you more selfless and therefore I've just become less focused on myself than I was before regardless. It also doesn't help that I don't yet really feel or look pregnant and since I've done this once before (and not too long ago) it's not quite as exciting and new since I know what to expect.

Maybe due to all these crazy hormones I'm just having trouble focusing on the good...focusing on the the things I am most thankful for, like our fertility...something I will never, ever take for granted. To conceive a child is truly an amazing gift and one which God has generously bestowed. I am oh so thankful for my hard-working and providing husband who makes it possible for me to remain a stay-at-home mom....a career choice I am very passionate about and thankful for. It's not an easy one, and it's about to get 10 times harder, but it's what my children deserve.

And finally, I am so thankful for family and for the fact that Austin will have a sibling so close to his age to grow up alongside and bond with. Someone once told me that in this age of technology, having children close together was a surefire way to combat the lazy child syndrome. Austin and his brother or sister will have a permanent playmate and will grow up together experiencing many of the same things at the same time. They will not have to be raised on electronics or TV because they will have each other and that is what's important. It may be a little harder for us in the beginning, but it will be better for everyone in the long run.

So, with all these wonderful things to be thankful for...why do I still feel guilty??

3 comments:

Rachel said...

I think as women- we are constantly feeling guilty about something- I struggle in this area in a very big way. As managers of our households, we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and we feel compelled to perfection- even though it is impossible. I have to daily seek the Lord to help carry my load- otherwise the guilt would consume me. Right now for example, I feel guilty that Wyatt's grandmother is taking care of him while I am enjoying a vacation with my husband. Crazy, huh? What you are feeling is completely normal!

Kristy said...

It's completely normal! I mean I don't have kids but I know what you feel has to be what most every mom goes through. Hang in there!

Keri said...

I think you are feeling over-whelmed. But some of what you are feeling guilty about are really your strengths.
1. You are Jennifer - an amazing person, a supportive wife, an intuitive mother, a loving sister and daughter and a compassionate friend.
2. The fact that you worry about Austin's feelings in dealing with a new sibling and the reaction you both will have to a new sibling shows what a caring mom you will be. Mom's worry - it's our lot in life. It also means that you will never let either feel any sort of emotional lack.
3. You have many identities now. Personal, wife, mother, daughter, friend. Realizing that and giving each the time and care that they deserve will you make you stronger in each one.
4. Now, is the time for you to rejoice in your blessings. You have done nothing to feel guilty about.
Love you!

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